December 22

December 22. For The Jourmudgeon’s Facebook friends who have missed the past couple of mornings’ TV “news” shows on the flimsy pretext that you had to go out and work for a living, fear not. The Jourmudgeon is happy to get you up to speed on The Most Important News Stories in the World, based on airtime. The Jourmudgeon apologizes if his understanding of the stories – and their impact – is a tad garbled here and there. It happens when you don’t give a shit:
1. Odell Beckham was mistakenly declared the new Miss Universe by emcee Donald Trump. The National Football League quickly levied a one-debate suspension against Trump. Trump denied making a mistake. “I thought the other girls all looked like Muslims,” he told cheering supporters.
2. The newest movie in the Star Wars franchise: “Star Wars: The Contractual Obligation,” set worldwide box office records over the weekend. Warring factions in Syria declared a 48-hour cease fire so everyone could go and see it. The latest installment in the 40-year-old series is the successor to “Star Wars: The License to Print Money,” and tells the story of how the relationship between Capt. Kirk and Mr. Spock evolves following the Supreme Court’s decision allowing same-sex marriage throughout a galaxy far, far away. It stars a girl named Daisy, who was selected from among thousands of other actresses who also look just like Natalie Portman, only younger.
3. The San Francisco Giants again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in the bottom of the ninth inning at the hands of someone named Fig Newton, who completed his most significant pass since his freshman year in college, when he nailed a police officer from a second-story window with a laptop he had just stolen. Newton’s behavior was adjudged so egregious that even the University of Florida got rid of him. He was sentenced to several years in Mississippi. Now, of course, he is a star, adored by millions, just like Donald Trump. Newton is expected to seek the Republican presidential nomination.
4. Another Republican presidential candidate, Jeb Bush, saw his poll numbers plummet again after a cell phone video was released in which he admits he “sort of likes Ronald Reagan, a little bit.” The video was taken by a waiter at the Kissimmee, Fla. Convention Center. Bush aides said the candidate thought his remarks to the Nonvoting Deaf People’s annual conference were off the record. Donald Trump responded by calling Bush “a jerk – and a Muslim.”
5. A bunch of people somewhere in the world were apparently being mean to a bunch of other people. Numerous earnest anchor persons assured us that “we are continuing to follow this story” and would update us as soon as they figured out what the hell it was about, or they could show us video of one of the victims holding a kitten wearing a Santa hat. Meanwhile, they did air a clip of Donald Trump wearing a Santa hat, and saying, “Don’t worry about them, they’re all Muslims.”
6. While TV news was keeping us up to speed on all this important stuff, National Public Radio had to settle for airing an extended interview with an arrogant, patronizing Muslim from Kenya named Barack Obama. Why do they think they can get away with insulting our intelligence by dumbing down the news with such pap? Granted, it is hard to show kittens wearing Santa hats on the radio.