Jan. 10, 2018: Crappy New Year

Like so many of his friends, The Jourmudgeon finds himself rejoicing that the arrival of the New Year has brought with it the return of mature leadership, measured political debate and effective legislating at all levels. Not.

1. Steve Bannon, Official Pond Scum of the U.S. Olympic Team and once a yoooooge fan of Donald Trump, was quoted in a ready-fire-aim expose of the Trump White House as saying his former boss is unhinged, his son is a traitor, and his daughter, who sells handbags and jewelry, isn’t exactly Madame Curie when it comes to brains. The president shot back that Bannon is an incompetent, self-aggrandizing blowhard with delusions of grandeur, proof, the president said with a straight face, that he has lost his mind.
2. Meanwhile, as proof of his own genius and mental stability, the president engaged in yet another Who’s-Got-the-Bigger-Nuclear-Button-and-Worst-Haircut contest with North Korean Lunatic In Chief Kim Jong Un, or Lil’ Kim, as he is known to rap fans. Trump watchers breathed a huge sigh of relief at the news that the president apparently thinks he can launch a nuclear strike by punching a big red button Barack Obama  left on his desk as a parting gag. Meanwhile, the military aide who carries the attache case with the real nuclear trigger continued to hide out in the Enormous Comical Brassiere Section of a Wal-Mart in Chevy Chase, Maryland, waiting for the Sanity All Clear to sound so he could return to the White House. Sympathetic Wal-Mart employees were said to have provided the officer with a four-year supply of chicken planks and potato wedges from the deli, knowing he is facing a long wait.
3. Republicans maintained a two-vote majority in the Virginia House of Delegates only after having to win one race by somebody pulling their guy’s name out of a bowl that held a bunch of film canisters with an allegedly equal number of slips of paper bearing each candidate’s name. Until the Nov. 7 election Republicans had held a 32-seat margin in the lower house. Party leaders said their man would have had his name written on an even larger piece of paper stuffed into an even bigger film canister in an even bigger bowl except for widespread printing, canning and pottery fraud by Democrats.
4. Movie stars reacting to Oprah Winfrey’s gig at the Golden Globes simultaneously nominated her for President, Speaker of the House, Senate Majority Leader, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, Pope and Chairman of Breitbart News. It was left to an assistant director of “The Post” to try to explain to the heartbroken celebrities why Oprah was not allowed to move into the Oval Office and the Vatican immediately.
5. Orrin Hatch of Utah, whom Dave Barry once described as a thin man with thin lips who looks like an undertaker, only not as much fun, announced that he would leave the Senate at the end of this year. Hatch was in danger of leaving behind a legacy of bipartisanship until he rescued his reputation at the 11^th hour by joining the Trumpist Party with scores of his formerly Republican colleagues, and began kicking the crap out of the already helpless. President Trump apparently thought Hatch’s decision to retire when he could have continued to hang out with Trump was proof that he had lost his mind.
6. Mitt Romney, meanwhile, who once ran for president by trying unsuccessfully to kick the crap out of the already helpless, sent out subtle feelers in the form of 60-second commercials sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and televised during the NCAA Football Championship game that he was ready to run for Hatch’s seat. In a reflection of the state of politics and government service in the United States, this was looked on as happy news by practically everyone, because, like everybody else in the country, Romney once ineffectually criticized Trump. Trump haters apparently were working under the delusion that Romney would continue to do so after he is elected.
7. Speaking of the National Championship game, the Alabama Crimson Tide staged a dramatic overtime comeback to force a tie and have Roy Moore declared the winner when his name was pulled out of a film canister that had been placed in a big bowl by Nick Saban. Trump immediately declared Moore Speaker of the House, Senate Majority Leader, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, Pope, Chairman of Breitbart News and Child Molester in Chief.