January 8

Facebook friends, The Jourmudgeon was trying his best to emulate many brave and hearty souls and remain upbeat about the New Year. But the ball hadn’t even dropped when his optimism was already dashed by an epic tragedy. The Jourmudgeon refers, of course, to pop icon Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve lip-synching epic fail on national television. Social media users quickly shouldered aside those whiny Syrian refugees and the bleeding hearts in the liberal news media lamenting the impending disappearance of Obamacare.  Those issues wound up in the cheap seats as Carey’s plight assumed center stage. Fans blamed the disaster on the Russian government, but President-elect Donald Trump said he had proof it was masterminded by a fat hacker from his parents’ sofa.

In other news, most of it real:

1. The national intelligence director and the head of the CIA presented their case before Congress, President Obama and the President-elect that Russia had meddled in the November election to help ensure a Trump victory. Their evidence and conclusions got broad and bipartisan support. Even before they testified, Mr. Trump went on Twitter to diss the intelligence communities again. He promised a major revelation later in the week about who was really behind the mayhem.
2. Sure enough, on Thursday Mr. Trump proved the intelligence chiefs were wrong by citing Julian Assange, who said Wikileaks didn’t get any information from the Russian government. Embarrassed intelligence leaders, acknowledging Mr. Assange’s unimpeachable reputation, admitted they must have been mistaken.
3. When called to task for endorsing Mr. Assange, Mr. Trump said the lying liberal news media had misreported his Tweets.
4. Trump transition team officials told current U.S. diplomats they had to be out of their posts by Jan. 20, countering long-standing policy by administrations of both parties that allowed some to stay until their kids could finish the school year in their posted countries. Mr. Trump’s wife, meanwhile, will remain in Manhattan with their 10-year-old son so he can finish the school year before they have to move to the White House. Mr. Trump’s Secretary of State-designate, RExxon TillExxon, was silent on the matter.
5. Congressional Republicans began moving into place the wrecking ball that will begin to demolish Obamacare as soon as Mr. Trump is inaugurated Jan. 20. They also announced that nothing would be erected on the empty lot for the foreseeable future. They feared that building something new right away might mean the 20 million people who will be left without health insurance might actually remain eligible for coverage, and the 3 million jobs created under Obamacare might not disappear.
6. House Judiciary Committee Chair Bob Goodlatte, a Republican from Roanoke, Va., spearheaded a move to get rid of an independent unit that investigated allegations of ethics breaches by House members. When the plan became public and a bipartisan shit storm ensued, Goodlatte said the liberal news media had misrepresented what he and his cronies were up to. It turns out that the “reform” was such an honest effort that Republicans met in secret to hammer it out. Meanwhile, several of Mr. Trump’s cabinet appointees still have not filed required financial disclosure and divestiture forms with the government’s ethics office. But Senate Republicans scheduled their confirmation hearings anyway. It was a reaffirmation of the reverence both Houses of Congress have for ethical behavior.
7. For the second time in 40 years, somebody altered an iconic sign in Los Angeles to read “Hollyweed,” apparently to recognize a new law that legalizes recreational marijuana use among adults. No arrests had been made by late in the week. Said a police spokesman: “We were pretty sure we had a suspect, but then we, like, forgot who it was. Hee hee hee hee. Dude, are you gonna finish that bag of Oreos?”
8. New Yorkers rejoiced when the first phase of the Second Avenue Subway finally opened on New Year’s Day. It had been planned for nearly a century, was under construction for almost a decade, missed its original deadline by three years, and cost $4.4 billion for three stations and two miles of tunnel. Compared to other recent national and international developments, this was all considered happy news. A second phase is expected to cost another $6 billion and take 12 years to build. But there was more good news: Because of the incoming Trump administration’s denial of global warming, New York City will probably be under water before any of that money can be spent.
9. Vice President Joe Biden demanded that Mr. Trump produce his birth certificate to prove he is Constitutionally eligible to serve. “I’m starting what I’m gonna call a – let’s see – a Birther Movement,” the vice president said. “We have strong evidence – every time he Tweets or opens his mouth — that Mr. Trump is really an obnoxious, spoiled 11-year-old from Bayonne, New Jersey named Joey.” Mr. Trump blamed the controversy on liberal news media, and said the size of his, uh, hands proved he was old enough to be president. “Yuuuuge, and getting bigger all the time,” he said.