Feb. 17, 2018: That was the week that was — again

The Jourmudgeon has been trying to keep up, friends, but, you know, Jesus H. Christ:

1. A troubled 19-year-old returned to the high school he had been expelled from in South Florida and killed 17 teachers and students by hitting them over the head with a brick. Police said he — one moment — The Jourmudgeon apologizes. It turns out that the assailant did not use a brick; he wielded an AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle. Authorities were taken completely by surprise at his choice of weapon, because they could not remember a single previous incident in which the multi-round-capacity firearm was used in a mass shooting. Except for June 20, 2012, when it was employed to kill 12 people and injure 58 at a movie theater in Aurora, Colo. And Dec. 14, 2012, when a 20-year-old used it to murder 20 elementary school children, six teachers and his mother in Newtown, Conn. And Dec. 2, 2015, when two men with two AR-15-style rifles killed 14 and injured 21 at a workplace in San Bernardino, Calif. And June 12, 2016, when a man slaughtered 49 people and injured 50 at an Orlando nightclub. And Oct. 1, 2017, when a shooter in a high-rise hotel used a stockpile of guns including an AR-15 to kill 58 people and injure hundreds at a music festival in Las Vegas. And Nov. 5, 2017, when a guy wielding an AR-15 style rifle killed 26 people at a church in Sutherland Springs, Texas.
2. President Trump, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell quickly took to the airwaves after the shooting to reassure Americans that they really don’t give a shit, and that we should continue to love our guns more than we love our children. They once again offered “thoughts and prayers” for the courageous members of the National Rifle Association who are standing up to traitors who think children should not die at the hands of lunatics with semiautomatic rifles. Second Amendment advocates said the latest mass slaughter clearly proved that guns don’t kill children, children kill children. And research by The Washington Post found that more than 150,000 students attending at least 170 primary or secondary schools have experienced an incident involving a firearm on campus since the Columbine High School massacre in 1999. The politicians’ and NRA honchos’ clear message to those children: Get over yourselves, wimps.
3. Doing the only thing they are apparently capable of, a broad coalition of Democrats and Republicans in Congress came together and, for the sake of getting re-elected, voted to blow yet another hole in the federal debt with huge budget increases for the next two years. The latest torpedo, estimated ultimately to cost somewhere between $4 trillion and $7 trillion, was launched barely two months after a previous missile, corporate and high-income tax cuts, poked a $1.5 trillion hole in the debt. Asked why Republicans abandoned their cherished fiscal restraint from the Obama years, a spokesman for McConnell explained, “That was different. Obama was an uppity black Democrat. Besides, that was a Republican pledge. We’re all Trumpists now.”
4. Meanwhile, Congressional legislation to enact sensible gun controls, immigration reform, and health-care guarantees was defeated or languished, Congressional investigations into Russian meddling in the 2016 election and allegations of collusion with the Trump campaign went nowhere, and members of Congress were allowed spend almost $300,000 of taxpayer money to settle years of sexual harassment complaints against them.
5. Taking full advantage of lax gun laws, the Trump administration moved swiftly to shoot itself first in one foot and then the other as it dealt with the resignation of Rob Porter, a close presidential aide who couldn’t get a full security clearance because he had apparently abused two ex-wives. He remained in his job, protected by Chief of Staff John Kelly and White House Communications Director Hope Hicks, whom he was dating, until a British tabloid newspaper blew the whistle, including publishing a photo of one of his wives with a black eye.
6. Trump issued an executive order establishing the NFL Super Bowl College. The board’s first act was to declare New England the victor of Super Bowl LII, 33-41, despite the Philadelphia Eagles’ amassing 25 percent more points than the Patriots. The board’s action was seen as vindication of claims by Trump and his admirers, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, that there was widespread fraud in the Eagles’ point total. “They even used under-inflated footballs made by illegal Muslim aliens,” the President tweeted. “Sad.”
7. The stock market, reacting to the horrific news that blue-collar wages were finally going up, plunged 10 percent in a few days, resulting in huge paper losses for a few people none of those blue-collar workers knows. Remembering their manners, the blue-collar workers tried not to giggle.
8. Finally, former Republicans who have joined the Trumpist Party and now suddenly realize they have to run for reelection this year begged Trump to stop spreading outrageous falsehoods on Twitter. The president’s response: “It’s my party and I’ll lie if I want to.”