The Jourmudgeon’s 2018 income tax guide

The Jourmudgeon notes the arrival of tax season, and with it a lot of head scratching. For those of his friends who find themselves fretting over the impact on their lives of the new Trumpist Party tax law, The Jourmudgeon offers some happy news, and a how-to guide. You’re welcome.

First, the happy news: The Jourmudgeon reminds all Americans that they can take their cue from our great and glorious moral leader, who, you will remember, taught us in the 2016 presidential debates that dodging income taxes “makes me smart.” It is therefore the patriotic duty of every American to follow our great and glorious moral leader’s example, and cheat.

But, my dear Jourmudgeon, you ask, how can I possibly cheat patriotically when the new tax code is 494 pages long and is so complicated that not even the three or four people who wrote it behind closed doors know what’s in it? You have not been listening, you moron, is The Jourmudgeon’s response. The Trumpists have very patiently explained to you lunkheads, over and over again, that this is not a complicated tax code; it is a simplified tax code. Shame on you for not believing such men of integrity as Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell.

As proof of its simplicity, they offer its easy-to-grasp new provisions: 1) Corporations’ taxes will be slashed nearly in half, permanently. 2) You proles might get a much smaller tax break, but it will be temporary. 3) They have even simplified the “screw you” provision by fooling you into thinking it saves you money to take the standard deduction. What can be simpler than that?

Well, The Jourmudgeon hears you asking, how can I make this simplified code work for me, Jourmudgeon? Again, very simply. Here is the simple two-step process, based on the clear guidelines above: 1) Turn yourself into a company. 2) Cheat.

Let’s look at The Jourmudgeon’s blueprint:

The Jourmudgeon shall henceforth be known as The Jourmudgeon Family Enterprises. The business of Jourmudgeon Family Enterprises is child-rearing, and consulting. As a business engaged in child-rearing and consulting, Jourmudgeon Family Enterprises will be able to take advantage of: 1) the permanence of the corporate tax cut; 2) the reduction of the corporate rate from 35 percent to 21 percent; 3) the new reduction for pass-through business income; 4) The ability to deduct business expenses, when individuals no longer can; 5) The survival of the carried-interest loophole. President Trump told voters he would do away with the carried-interest loophole, because it was a huge advantage for fat cats. Then, as soon as the fat cats’ lobbyists showed up, he folded like a cheap tent in a hurricane. So, to honor the simplicity of the new tax law, The Jourmudgeon will become a fat cat.

Because the business of Jourmudgeon Family Enterprises is rearing The Jourmudgeon’s children, The Jourmudgeon will also benefit from the simplified individual portions of the tax law. But Jourmudgeon, The Jourmudgeon hears you say, aren’t your own children, like, 30 years old or something? The Jourmudgeon must acknowledge his great fortune in having recently discovered a second, much younger brood. Their names are Bobby, Cubby, Annette, Karen, Darlene, Cheryl, Sharon, Lonnie, Tommy, Doreen, Mortie, Ferdie, Huey, Dewey, Louie, Spin, Marty, Frank, Joe and Nancy. The Jourmudgeon’s new children were borne, it turns out, by The Jourmudgeon’s two additional wives, both now over 65 and blind. So even though the personal exemption has disappeared (which makes the doubling of the standard deduction a net gain of only $2,700 – didn’t know that, did you?), The Jourmudgeon can still benefit from: 1) The doubling of the child tax credit to $2,000 each – 20 kids x $2,000 = $40,000; 2) The expansion of the 529 college savings allowance to private K-12 tuition for people who don’t want their kids associating with public-school scum. The Jourmudgeon has been blessed that all 20 of his new children are stable geniuses, just like President Trump, so they will be attending private K-12 school and college simultaneously. The Jourmudgeon, therefore, will be able to claim the 529 credit for school and college all at once, for all 20 of his gifted children; 3) The Jourmudgeon will also be able to take the college Education Credit for each child, and deduct up to $2,500 per child in student-loan interest payments.

Under the new tax law, The Jourmudgeon will also be able to take advantage of the system of socialized medicine the Trumpists have established. The law has freed The Jourmudgeon from the onerous responsibility of buying health insurance. So now when The Jourmudgeon or any of the three Mrs. Jourmudgeons or the 20 little Jourmudgeons get sick, The Jourmudgeon can simply take them to the nearest emergency room, where they will be provided the most expensive treatment in the health care arsenal while other taxpayers and people who were dumb enough to buy health insurance will absorb the cost of their care.

(By the way, forget trying to appropriate The Jourmudgeon’s newfound family. The Jourmudgeon will be happy to rat you out to the IRS. Find your own dependents.)

Finally, when The Jourmudgeon and his three wives shuffle off this mortal coil, the family fortune amassed by The Jourmudgeon Family Enterprises (most of which will have been earned by patriotically cheating on taxes), will pass to The Jourmudgeon’s brood unscathed by the Estate Tax, because the new simplified tax law doubles the exemption. The Jourmudgeon and his spouses can each pass along $11.6 million tax free, which means The Jourmudgeon’s kids will get a total of $46.4 million that won’t see the tax.

But Jourmudgeon, The extremely patient Jourmudgeon hears you whining now, despite our great and glorious moral leader’s reassurances, doesn’t the IRS take a dim view of cheating, especially by people without lawyers and offshore accounts? The Jourmudgeon once again reminds you that 1) you are a moron, and 2) part of the new simplified tax code is a simplified IRS. Remember that the agency has had its budget cut by 17 percent since 2010, and our great and glorious moral leader has proposed an additional 2 percent be lopped off this year. This has left the service with a total of two field agents, three bookkeeping interns from Millard Fillmore Community College, and one computer equipped with Windows 2.1 to figure out the new simplified tax code, process 240 million tax returns and handle audits. The odds of your being caught cheating are about the same as Hillary Clinton losing the election. So relax.