Nov. 9, 2017: Only thoughts and prayers, again

Friends, The Jourmudgeon is trying to confirm reports that President Trump French-kissed President Xi Jinping in Beijing during the Chinese national anthem and took a knee when “The Star Spangled Banner” was played. Witnesses said it happened after Trump blamed his own predecessors for China’s enormous trade surplus with the United States and heaped praise on the Chinese autocrat for being such a peachy guy. The president was also scheduled to go to Bro Camp with Russian President Vladimir Putin, who was said to be livid with jealousy and has been in contact with Trump’s ex-wives about what to do. The president was in Asia because his fellow Republicans sent him there, hoping people would forget about him on Election Day. It didn’t work so well. In other news:

1. A gunman with a military-style semiautomatic rifle killed 26 people in a little Baptist church in Texas, including eight children, eight members of the same family, and a pregnant woman whose fetus could not be saved, either. Twenty more people were wounded. Trump, who has embraced the National Rifle Association and its longtime opposition to firearms legislation, was moved to decry “a mental health problem at the highest level.” Observers were caught off guard by the president’s uncharacteristic candor, until administration officials explained that Trump was talking about the gunman, not himself.
2. Gun rights advocates who contend that armed citizens are an effective defense against mass shootings were quick to point out that the killer was wounded by another armed citizen. And he had killed just 26 people by the time the civilian shooter intervened.
3. Numerous members of Congress responded to the latest massacre by calling for a Constitutional amendment mandating thoughts and prayers.
4. In the Virginia governor’s race, Democrat Ralph Northam, despite the absence of a discernible pulse, won by nine percentage points over Republican Ed Gillespie, who tried to woo Trump voters with a racist, nativist campaign at the same time he kept the president from campaigning in the state. Gillespie’s magic formula managed to both piss off Trump’s supporters and awaken normally catatonic Democrats, who turned out in surprising numbers even after it was explained to them that Barack Obama wasn’t running for anything.
5. Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort was indicted on charges that he laundered millions of dollars over years in which his clients included pro-Russian Ukrainian officials. Another Trump campaign operative pleaded guilty to lying to investigators working for Special Counsel Robert Mueller, who is charged with uncovering the campaign’s links to Putin and other Russians who sabotaged the 2016 presidential race. Trump spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters, with a straight face, that just because Manafort ran Trump’s campaign did not mean that Trump had any connection to him.
6. A neighbor tackled Sen. Rand Paul at his Kentucky home just after Paul had finished mowing his lawn, breaking five of the senator’s ribs. Officials initially said Paul’s injuries were minor, until his doctors found out he was covered by Congress’ Cadillac health insurance policy. Both Paul and his assailant are physicians. Police said the attack apparently was motivated by neither professional jealousy nor politics, unless Asshole has become a designated political party.
7. Speaking of assholes, Energy Secretary Rick Perry, in South Africa for a conference on – what else? – oil, told a fascinated audience that fossil fuels help prevent sexual assaults. By singling out fossil fuels, Perry appeared to imply that renewable energy, by contrast, leads to rape and secular humanism.