Sept. 1, 2017: A disastrous week
The past week has brought disaster upon disaster, prompting The Jourmudgeon to finally join other observers in concluding that we stand at a crossroads, and the choices facing us are not good. In the words of Woody Allen: “One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction.” The Jourmudgeon is referring, of course, to the season finale of Game of Thrones, in which Daenerys Targaryen, the Mother of Dragons, confronted the single parent’s classic dilemma when one of her teenagers didn’t come home and was later seen vandalizing The Wall. But Dragon Mom’s problems are nothing compared to Jon Snow’s, who, besides having to figure out a way to defeat a horde that takes longer to die than Generalissimo Francisco Franco, is about to find out that he just bonked his aunt. Gross. In other, much less important disasters:
- A plague of Biblical dimensions dropped from the sky on Houston and Southeast Texas, carrying with it nonstop toxic wind and scenarios that made residents cringe and flee. Some said their faith in God was tested by being visited by such a cataclysm just a few days after Hurricane Harvey. At least there was only one Harvey, and it wasn’t sporting spike heels and a comedy haircut.
- Major oil companies, meanwhile, wasted no time indulging in profiteering. Before the storm’s impact could be felt at all in the gasoline pipeline, the gouging had already begun, with pump prices spiking by 30 cents a gallon and more.
- Floyd Mayweather, Woman Beating Champion of the World, beat Conor McGregor, Bar Fighting and Insensitive Remarks Champion of the World, in a bout in – where else? – Las Vegas. Six and a half million people paid about a hundred bucks each to watch on Showtime. The Jourmudgeon was reminded of The Jourmudgeon’s late father, who once remarked, “If there was a machine that sold kicks in the ass for a dime, and you had to back up to the machine, there’d be a line of people around the block.”
- Still, that was only one tenth as many people as voted for Donald Trump, an event that reminded The Jourmudgeon of The Jourmudgeon’s late father, who once remarked, “If there was a machine that sold….”
- Keeping to the promise of his campaign slogan to Make America Hate Again, Trump pardoned former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. The president boasted that he timed the announcement to take advantage of the big TV audience that was anticipating Hurricane Harvey’s landfall, piling one disaster on another.
- In what constituted a gesture of international good will for Kim Jong-un, North Korea fired a missile over, and not into, Japan. Observers hoped it would lessen the chances that the two people with the World’s Worst Haircuts would meet face to face in a nuclear-powered pissing match.
- “The President speaks for himself,” Secretary of State REXxon TillEXxon told an interviewer when questioned about Trump’s behavior after Charlottesville. TillEXxon’s statement was seen as an attempt to calm foreign leaders’ nerves. But they remained on edge over another question: If the President of the United States can’t be trusted to represent the United States abroad, who can?
- In entertainment news, Taylor Swift, the Second Most Narcissistic Person in the World, made news doing yet another thing that The Jourmudgeon couldn’t give a shit about.
Once again, hit the nail on the head!