April 22, 2017
Facebook friends, The Jourmudgeon apologizes for his longer-than-expected absence after he had his knees replaced. As The Jourmudgeon’s regular reader knows, The Jourmudgeon’s columns are not generated by any functioning brain. The Jourmudgeon himself did not know precisely where the columns came from until he had his old knees removed and new ones installed, at which point the columns disappeared entirely. Using flawless deductive reasoning, The Jourmudgeon concluded that his old knees must have written the columns, which would explain the level at which they were pitched. And, as it turned out, the new knees needed a crash course before the columns could reappear. Meanwhile, a reincarnated Franz Kafka began focusing his alt-universe sights on Washington with fiction far too prolific for anyone, including The Jourmudgeon, to keep up with: A president who sends an aircraft carrier to Australia as a threat to North Korea, a secretary of education who hates public schools, an attorney general who does not believe in equal voting rights, a secretary of the environment who believes global warming is a myth, a trusted White House adviser named Ivanka whose qualifications consist of selling jewelry…. The Jourmudgeon has been waking some nights in a cold sweat, until he remembers that Kafka wrote fiction. And The Jourmudgeon is happy to report that his new knees are now fully literate and ready to step up (get it?) and take over th& rxpon$b!l/t3 4 m%$#@(_/][{?. Of M000,000s of Amxr!kinx. To wit:
- The Trump administration announced that it would no longer make public the logs of visitors to the White House. President Donald Trump’s spokesman, Sean Spicer, explained that letting the public know what his boss was up to, and with whom, would make it impossible for Trump to carry out his agenda. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/18/opinion/mr-trump-plays-by-his-own-rules-or-no-rules.html?emc=edit_th_20170419&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=27174500.
- On the heels of its failed attempt at repealing Obamacare, The Trump administration tried to organize the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Administration officials were hoping to point to the event as an uncharacteristic success as pundits waited with bated breath to mark the first 100 years – wait; the first 100 days — of the Trump administration. White House insiders said the egg roll fiasco underscored the high-stakes power struggle between Veteran Nut Bucket Stephen Bannon, First Relative Jared Kushner, and a trusted adviser to the president named Ivanka who sells jewelry. Trump, meanwhile, reportedly characterized the event, like health insurance, as “unbelievably complex.” At the 11th hour Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to help. “In Russia we have head roll,” Putin said. “Is probably same. Someone now take my picture on horse.”
- Fox News honchos canned longtime cash cow Bill O’Reilly after it was revealed that the network had paid out some $13 million to settle sexual harassment claims against O’Reilly by pretty much every woman in the United States except the Statue of Liberty, and advertisers abandoned his prime-time rant fest in droves. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/19/business/media/bill-oreilly-fox-news-allegations.html. Meanwhile, sales of O’Reilly’s latest book, on family values, were brisk.
- President Trump ordered air strikes against Syria after Syrian President Bashar al-Assad poisoned about 80 of his own people with nerve gas. In 2013 Trump had urged then-President Barack Obama not to retaliate after a similar strike by Assad killed more than 1,400 people. The difference this time, apparently, is that Trump’s most trusted adviser, a woman named Ivanka who sells jewelry, told Trump he should do it. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/18/business/ivanka-trump-trademark-brand.html?emc=edit_th_20170419&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=27174500. New York Times columnist Gail Collins characterized Trump’s action thus: “A lot of Americans liked the idea of responding to a chemical attack in Syria by bombing a Syrian air base. But if the president thought it was popular, wouldn’t he get carried away? It’s like praising a 4-year-old for coloring a picture, and the next thing you know he’s got his crayons out, heading for the white sofa.” https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/20/opinion/paging-the-trump-armada.html?emc=edit_th_20170420&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=27174500&_r=0.
- White House Spokesman Sean Spicer implied that Assad was worse than Hitler, explaining to a fascinated White House press corps that Hitler had never used gas against his own people. Spicer’s high-school world history teacher could not be reached for comment. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/11/us/politics/sean-spicer-hitler-gas-holocaust-center.html.
- Attorney Gen. Jeff Sessions’ high school geography teacher, meanwhile, began exchanging high fives with colleagues after Sessions correctly identified Hawaii as “an island in the Pacific.” Sessions’ comment served to reassure his supporters that their man was indeed qualified to be the highest ranking law enforcement official in the land.
- Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley was forced to plead guilty and resign after a long list of scandals finally overtook him. They pretty much began when he started bonking a woman he had met in the adult Sunday school class he led several years ago. Prior to the revelations, millions of Americans had believed that “adult Sunday school” was a description of its attendees rather than a suitability rating. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2017/04/10/brought-down-by-an-affair-alabama-gov-robert-bentley-expected-to-resign-today-according-to-news-reports/?utm_term=.33ebc0c509e4
- At O’Hare International Airport in Chicago, United Airlines sicced airport security on a passenger whom they dragged kicking and screaming from a departing flight because he was suspected of buying a ticket and settling into his assigned seat. Airline officials said their action was prompted by worries about what would happen if all passengers suddenly got the idea that giving the airline a lot of money entitled them to get on a plane and fly somewhere. By the end of the week there were rumors that the United concourse at O’Hare would be the location for the next season of “Naked and Afraid.”
- FBI agents continued their so-far fruitless search for First Lady and Third Wife Melania Trump, after the President said he forgot where – or whether – he left her. White House staffers who insisted on anonymity said Mrs. Trump had quietly resigned, leaving her unemployed and vulnerable to immediate deportation.
