August 21
Facebook friends, The Jourmudgeon apologizes either for his extended absence or his re-emergence, depending on your take. The Jourmudgeon has been busy building a bunker in anticipation of the November election results, or maybe the campaign itself. But another quadrennial event has prompted The Jourmudgeon to stick his head out of the hole, briefly. The Jourmudgeon joined more than three billion spectators in more than 200 nations around the world who were riveted by the uplifting 16-day spectacle of NBC promoting its new fall programs and Bob Costas finally developing a wrinkle.
1. In a resounding victory for fair play everywhere, as the Olympics dawned the head of the International Olympic Committee decided that without drugs and Russians the Games could be a major yawn, and could turn into such a financial bust that IOC officials might be forced to sell their second yachts. So he let both in. That same day, Vladimir Putin won the marathon in 38 minutes.
2. A Brazilian official sought to reassure thousands of foreigners who descended on Rio de Janeiro that stories about the city’s crime rate were wildly exaggerated and that the city was safe “as long as you don’t go anywhere, like the Olympics.” Shortly after, the head of security for the Games was mugged. “See? He wasn’t killed,” the same official said. “And besides, we had no sooner finished telling everybody not to go anywhere when what does he do? He tries to go somewhere.”
3. In what became the most celebrated hoax in the history of the Modern Games, a group of sophomores from Yale convinced the world that golf had been admitted as an Olympic sport. “We were shitting ourselves laughing,” said one. The hoax was discovered after an obscure American citizen named Tiger Woods showed up in Rio, claiming to be a member of the U.S. team.
4. Stunned U.S. Women’s Gymnastics officials discovered that there are apparently minorities in the United States after two African Americans and one Hispanic won eight medals, including six golds, for their country. “Who knew?’” one official said. “Have they been here for a long time? Oh, excuse me, I need to take this call. It’s from somebody with U.S. Swimming.”
5. Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt again won gold in the 100-meter dash, with a time of three minutes, 9.79 seconds, somewhat off his world record. Experts said the slower time might have been attributable to the three-minute commercial break NBC forced Olympic officials to allow after Bolt had covered the first 50 meters. “Our contract with the I.O.C. specifically states we are allowed to take one 180-second commercial break after every five seconds of athletic competition,” an NBC spokesman explained.
6. The network glossed over a blatant foul by a North Korean competitor in the mixed doubles of the 50-kilometer Egg and Spoon Race. It occurred near the middle of the grueling event, as NBC was broadcasting one of its fuzzy-focus profiles, this one of the second cousin of the U.S. number two squad’s female competitor, and her decade-long battle with crippling acne.
7. The women’s 800 meter race was won by a South African runner.
8. Ryan Lochte, owner of 647 silver medals – one for every time he has raced against Michael Phelps – finally won individual gold in Public Urination and Vandalism. His victories were shrouded in controversy after a gas station owner filed a protest. But Lochte was allowed to keep the medals after taking a cue from every celebrity in the world and issuing a tearful public apology – after he was safely back in the United States – for lying to Matt Lauer. He was apparently unaware that lying to Matt Lauer is still punishable by death in 17 states. The incident ended on a brighter note for Lochte. After “Inside Edition” broadcast video of his sixth and final attempt at the world height record for pissing on a wall, he was offered a job by the Lynchburg, Va., fire department.
