March 4

March 4. Facebook friends, The Jourmudgeon apologizes for missing a week, if anyone noticed. The Jourmudgeon went on vacation. Yes, a vacation from retirement. You may begin the snide comments now. On his vacation, The Jourmudgeon learned that all television news operations in Central Florida apparently have been taken over by The Onion. Nothing else explains their broadcasts. The Jourmudgeon also tried to stay up to date on national news every morning with “Today” and “Good Morning America,” but in channel surfing The Jourmudgeon found himself unable any longer to distinguish them from the Home Shopping Network. The Jourmudgeon’s public spirit gene compels him to try to keep you updated on the news anyway:
1. In the 88th Annual Academy Awards, Leonardo DiCaprio won the Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of an hors d’oeuvre in “The Revenant.” In his acceptance speech, Mr. DiCaprio made clear that “The Revenant” is really a film about preserving the environment, and that if we don’t all do something now, there will very soon come a time when people can no longer be eaten by wild animals. In the Best Picture category, “Spotlight” won. The dramatization of The Boston Globe’s expose of the Archdiocese of Boston’s coverup of sexual abuse by priests so moved Oscar voters and millions of viewers that they said they were considering buying a newspaper again. Maybe.
2. In Super Tuesday Primary voting, Donald Trump rode the recent endorsement of former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke and perennial bully Chris Christie to resounding victories in Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Massachusetts, Tennessee, Vermont, Virginia, Russia, Syria and North Korea. He was also declared the winner of the Miss America Pageant and the Official State Asshole of New York. Hillary Clinton was similarly dominating in Democratic primaries, though voter turnout in most states was confined to African Americans and middle-aged women on the way home from yoga class. Trump’s victories came despite criticism from Republican officials nationwide for not immediately renouncing Duke’s endorsement. Many of Trump’s critics are the same legislators who in the past several years have passed laws restricting the opportunities for African Americans and other minorities to vote, and have applauded a Supreme Court decision that gutted the Voting Rights Act. They also include Mitt Romney, who had welcomed Trump’s endorsement in 2012. Romney slammed Trump for creating scapegoats of Muslims and Mexican immigrants, apparently forgetting that in his own failed bid for the presidency Romney said we should create conditions that would force 11 million undocumented immigrants to “self deport.” Some observers speculated that the backlash against Trump arose not from fear that he will win the Republican nomination but from jealousy that he is way better than they were at Richard Nixon’s Southern Strategy – the 50-year-old Republican snake oil of racism, jingoism and scapegoating the party sells to white Southerners and other voters who are still upset by the passage of Civil Rights legislation. Meanwhile, despite a spirited attack on Trump in the most recent Republican debate, the party’s mainstream hope, Marco Rubio, managed to win only the Minnesota caucuses on Super Tuesday. “Who knew there even was such a thing?” a jubilant Rubio told his wife and the three bartenders who attended his victory party.
3. Back in our nation’s capital, Senate Republicans, who joined the criticism of Trump over the David Duke endorsement, reiterated their vow not to consider any Supreme Court nominee forwarded by Barack Obama. Despite polls showing that a majority of Americans would like a vote on a nominee before the November elections, the lawmakers are betting that the public and Duke will agree with them that the next Supreme Court justice should be appointed by a white president.
4. Supreme Court observers were stunned when, for the first time in a decade, Justice Clarence Thomas asked a question during oral arguments – a series of questions, in fact. Thomas has previously explained his customary reticence by saying, basically, that he couldn’t get a word in edgewise with Antonin Scalia on the court. With Scalia gone, Thomas’ questioning of a government attorney was clearly aimed at ensuring that the Constitution won’t create undue restrictions for spouse abusers who want to kill their victims with a firearm.
5. In a related development, The Chronicle of Higher Education reported on a PowerPoint presentation prepared by the president of the faculty senate at the University of Houston that shows colleagues how to revise their lectures to avoid being shot by students who don’t like what they say. The PowerPoint was seen as necessary now that the Texas legislature has passed a law allowing concealed weapons on campuses. Honest to God.
6. In civil litigation news, a jury ordered manufacturer Johnson & Johnson to pay $75 million to a Peeping Tom who suffered permanent lung damage when he secretly videotaped sportscaster Erin Andrews in her hotel room shaking on baby powder in her birthday suit. (Or maybe it was two separate lawsuits involving about $75 million. The Home Shopping Network was a little fuzzy in its reportage.)
7. In Voyeurism That Apparently Is Okay news, Sports Illustrated made history by putting a so-called plus-sized model on the cover of its annual swimsuit issue. (The Jourmudgeon is forced to provide some context: You could still put three of SI’s plus-sized models into one of the attractive red Nylon Tricot teddies that Wal-mart sells in the run-up to Valentine’s Day.) Former SI Cover Model Cheryl Tiegs immediately criticized the magazine for celebrating any body type meatier than a swizzle stick. Unfortunately, the cost of tempera prevented SI from featuring any plus-sized model in its popular Body Paint section.
8. Finally, U.S. astronaut Scott Kelly returned to earth safely in a Russian spacecraft after spending 340 days aboard the International Space Station, an American record. NASA released a single terse statement from Kelly on his return: “My orbital rendition of ‘Space Oddity’ is way better than that Canadian guy’s.’” Otherwise, for the first few days after his return, NASA imposed a complete media blackout on Kelly, including preventing him from seeing any news. The fear was that he would climb back inside and demand to be returned to space, with a copy of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.