December 31
December 31. Once again, because The Jourmudgeon no longer has to do an honest day’s work, The Jourmudgeon is happy to get all his Facebook friends up to speed on The Most Important Stories in the World, based on news media exposure. And again, The Jourmudgeon apologizes if his understanding of the stories – and their impact – is a tad garbled here and there. It seems The Jourmudgeon’s give-a-shitter is still busted. Happy New Year, everyone.
1. Broadcast news media were thrown into a quandary over how to report two of the week’s Most Important Stories: Donald Trump’s statement that Hillary Clinton got “schlonged” in the 2008 presidential campaign, and Trump’s reaction to Clinton’s need to go to the bathroom during a break in the most recent Democratic candidates’ debate. Trump declared the incident “too disgusting” to talk about. Yes, Donald Trump found something “too disgusting” to talk about. Then, of course, he talked about it.
A bit of background: For decades mainstream news media, hearkening to the traditional image of the “family newspaper,” have struggled with how to refer to our naughty bits, and what happens when doo-doo, pee-pee and, um, well, you know, become newsworthy. As much as they pooh-pooh (sorry) Trump’s expressive excesses, their handling of such stories comes dangerously close to Trump’s too-disgusting-to-talk-about malaise. Except that, like Trump, they can’t stay away from them, and neither can we.
Many of us remember one of TV news’ Most Important Stories of 1993, when, in an incident on which the fate of the Free World obviously hung (oops, sorry again), Lorena Bobbitt, after years of suffering abuse, cut off her husband John Wayne Bobbitt’s penis and tossed it out a car window in Northern Virginia. Believe it or not, searchers found it, and surgeons reattached it to Mr. Bobbitt. And then there was a trial. And then there was Mr. Bobbitt starring in a couple of porn movies. And so forth. (The Jourmudgeon invites you to look up the practically endless narrative.)
As much as local TV stations across the nation loved what should never have been a story outside suburban Washington, they wrestled at first with how to report it. Finally, most of them realized it gave their anchors unlimited license to say “penis” – and, even better, “cut off his penis” — on the air, while trying to maintain a straight face. Before long, at the dawn of the age of the 24/7 news cycle, local TV newscasts pretty much sounded like this: “Penis. Penis. Penis. She cut off his penis. She cut off his penis with a knife. She cut off four inches of his penis…. Penis. Penis. Penis. And we are keeping a straight face, because this isn’t funny.”
The story eventually – very eventually — went away, just in time to make way for the next Naughty Bits Reporting crisis to rear its ugly head (sorry again) – Former President Bill Clinton also getting schlonged, by White House intern Monica Lewinsky, except he didn’t seem to mind it. This one was a semantic lulu for news media: How to refer to what exactly went on in that closet off the Oval Office; how to refer to the evidence of dalliance found on Lewinsky’s dress, and how to refer to Lewinsky’s corroboration of her tale when she offered a description of the distinguishing characteristics of Mr. Bill’s willie.
In the first case, “Fellatio” was almost never used. It usually became “oral sex,” “a sex act,” or “sexual relations.” In the second, “semen” was similarly proscribed, often in favor of “Clinton’s genetic material.” Honest to God. And in the third case, practically nobody got into the details of what made Clinton’s John Bobbitt so distinctive. (No, no, it wasn’t that. In this case, size apparently really wasn’t important.)
And now – surprise, surprise – in the heat of the primary campaign the Republican front-runner offers up a couple of rhetorical hanging curveballs involving a corruption of a Yiddish word and the engineering and resource challenges that women face in the restroom (or toilet, if you don’t work for a news outlet). Trump obviously intended his comments to cement his misogynist bona fides for his crayon-wielding constituents, knowing that the 24/7 news maw wouldn’t be able to lay off them, naughty words or not.
Several of Trump’s opponents in the crowded Republican field duly registered their disgust. Others, needing to capture Trump’s supporters, showed no evidence that his remarks wee-weed them off. In any case, it was a false piety in the larger context of the Republican contest and its candidates’ crowd-pleasing “solutions” for immigration, terrorism, economic instability and gun violence. It reminded The Jourmudgeon of the old saw that politicians campaign in poetry but govern in prose. In this cycle, most of the Republican candidates are campaigning in pornography.
2. In another story crucial to the fate of the world, Denver Nuggets quarterback Tim Te – excuse me, Peyton Manning – slammed Donald Trump for accusing him of taking drugs that turned him into a Muslim. Trump offered this statement as evidence: “Did you ever notice how much a football helmet looks like those things their women wear?”
3. A former valet claimed that Trump’s much-lampooned hairstyle is actually the result of a wardrobe malfunction dating from 2010, “when his head finally got too big to get his favorite orange mohair sweater over it. He’s been walking around like that ever since.” (Hang on: The Jourmudgeon can’t remember if he saw that on Nancy Grace or dreamed it.)
4. Another Republican candidate, Ted Cruz, released a TV commercial in Iowa implying that his record as a lawyer and legislator in defending Christianity, the Pledge of Allegiance and the Second Amendment preserved the right of Americans to pretty much kill anybody we don’t like.
5. Yet another Republican candidate, Chris Christie, pumped up his record as a federal prosecutor to convince Americans that only he can keep them safe from “corrupt public officials who close lanes on a busy commuter bridge as a political ploy to punish – no, wait, wait. I lost my place here. Uh, uh, uh…. Here it is. Terrorism. I kept everybody safe from terrorism. Hey, are you gonna eat that?”
